Bone In The Fan : Guaranteed since 1789.

I Got Nothin’

OK - I don’t have NOTHING. I just cant really get any posts done right now… Like, The Two Coreys was sufficiently laughable for the last two weeks, but I don’t think I really want to go back to that pool again. At least not right now. And I have these photos of some card games I saw for sale the other day, and they’re hilarious, but I’m not going to ruin a future post by telling you about them, so you’ll just have to wait.

Oh - and I was going to tell you about making out with the daughter of the guy who took the photos in the book Jonathan Livingston Seagull (boy was that popular in the seventies - the book, not making out with the photographer’s daughter), but really I don’t have the time right now. It’s a pretty good story though. The time we rolled a VW beetle: that’s pretty good too, but as you can imagine it’s pretty long, so…

Wait - I also wanted to mention why Apple has been irritating the shit out of me (and I was a HUGE Apple fan for a long time and talked a LOT of people into buying them,) but that’s a whole rant about Steve Jobs, and iPhones and lying liars. I’ve got some thoughts on Catholic moms and pornography too, but I’m going to have to get to those at a later date. Speaking of pornography, remind me to tell you about my awesome idea about hookers. Oh - and puking on Marlon Brando… I should probably tell you about the time I did that too.

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Tagged bcs, Lazy

2008 08 20 Thought It Comments (1) Permalink

Michael Phelps Wins Number Six. Clearly A Soviet Plot.

The Photos Don’t Lie: Phelps Is A Cold War Cyborg.

Michael Phelps won his sixth gold medal last night, and did it in world record time. Now isn’t this just a LITTLE suspicious? NBC did a video breakdown of his body last night, demonstrating that he has the legs of a 6′ man, but the torso of someone 6′5″. Perfect for swimming. His heart pumps twice as much blood than the average man his size. Perfect for athletics of all kinds. He’s double jointed at both his knees and elbows. Perfect for that dolphin kick he does. He has size 14 shoes, hands “the size of dinner plates” and a flat ass. All of which make him the kind of swimmer you’d design in a video game. If, you know, you played kind of boring video games.

All of this may be just amazing coincidence. A once-in-a-million-years kind of genetic occurance. Except for one thing: I’ve seen his “mom.” She’s in the audience at every meet. And they’re trying to tell us that this perfect specimen of swimming, this impossibly fast “human” swims in the same gene pool as the woman cheering him on.

Look, I’m not trying to insult the woman. I’m sure she’s very nice, and is obviously extremely supportive of Michael. But let’s say I tried to tell you the following were photos of Secretariat and his mother:

Family photos from Secretariat's piano? Not likely.

Are you buying it? Didn’t think so.

There is only one explanation for all of this: Michael Phelps is a genetically engineered Soviet cyborg developed near the end of the cold war. He was “born” in 1985, just four years before the fall of the Berlin wall. At that time, the USSR knew they were close to collapse and were desperate to find some way to quietly survive and rise again. By planting Phelps in the U.S., they were able to take advantage of our training facilities and build and “all-American” image for their cyborg. Once Phelps eclipses the 7 gold medal achievement of Mark Spitz, he’ll have an enormous personal following that will listen to his every word….even as he defects to Mother Russia because the American imperialist dogs must die.

Need more proof? See the following comparison photo of Phelps and Spitz:

One of these things is not like the other.

Two major things you need to note:

Phelps’ hand. Purportedly over his heart, but looking suspiciously like some sort of Soviet gang sign.
Michael Phelps HAS NO MUSTACHE.

I rest my case. At the very least, this Phelps thing will undermine one of the greatest and most valuable assets we as a county have. The iconic “Seventies Mustachioed American Hero.” From GI Joe to Burt Reynolds, it’s a house of cards, and it will collapse. Mark my words.

Joe, Burt, I feel your pain. I'd be scared too.

We can only hope that Phelps fails in his quest to outdo Spitz. Because this is more than the Olympics, and it’s more than swimming. I say to you now: our entire way of life is at risk.

Besides, with size 14 feet and 11 gold medals already, does he REALLY need any more help with the ladies?

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Tagged Disturbed, Olympics

2008 08 15 Saw It
Thought It Comments (3) Permalink

I Like To Be Liked

And Want You To Want Me

The sub-header is purely a cheap trick to stick Cheap Trick in your head. But this is cool: even though I’ve been posting a bit slowly of late (I’ve been helping my lovely wife Joanna out with some stuff which I’ll leave her to tell you about if she wishes,) Teresa from Homestead Notes (or is it Life, Homesteading and Everything?) says I’m a kick ass blogger and saw fit to give me one of these:

She thinks I'm kiiiiiick ass, she thinks I'm kiiiiick ass...

So I’ve got that going for me. I don’t really know what mamadawg.com is (and I kind of cringe at thinking of myself as a blogger - I’m more of a cynical douche that likes to whine publicly,) but that’s not really the point, is it? Because I’m kick ass, too. Thanks Teresa.

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Tagged Awards, bcs, Blogs

2008 08 12 Did It Comments (3) Permalink

Still More Church Ads

What’s Jesus’ SPF, Anyway?

At the risk of appearing obsessed, I’m posting yet two more advertisements from the church down the block. I’ve mentioned two others here and here, but these two are all kinds of wacky.

Ad The First:

Warning: Exposure to the son may prevent burning.

Very punny. But completely nonsensical. I mean, why is this a warning? I was under the impression that burning was to be avoided. You’ve got the whole skin cancer thing everyone’s worried about, plus burning hurts. Like, I went snorkeling last weekend and the retard that sprayed my back with suntan lotion totally missed about 30% of my skin, so I got a really bad burn and it just completely sucks. Should I have spread some Jesus on before swimming? Where can I get a tube of Jesus, anyway? I haven’t seen it in CVS or anything. Would it have helped with the jellyfish sting I got, too?

Wish I'd had this when I was snorkeling.

Which brings me to:

Ad The Second:

Be ye fisher of men: you catch them, he’ll clean them.

So to begin with, what exactly do they mean by fishing and catching men? Are we talking about crews of christians in pickup trucks, hopped up on cans of cheap holy water and driving around in their pickup trucks, cranking christian rock and netting people? Or are we talking about a more mellow group, setting up fishing poles in the back of the truck and just dragging the lines, maybe baiting the hooks with a copies of Hustler they “found,” but really just kicking back in a lawn chair in the pickup bed (after spreading on some Jesus to protect the skin of course) while they troll through town until someone yells “man on!” and one of them straps himself into the fighting chair like Quint in “Jaws” to reel the dirty beast in? Either way, I personally do not relish the idea of a bunch of good ol’ boys “landing” my ass in their truck and delivering me to the clubhouse be cleaned.

And what the hell is with cleaning humans, anyway? I mean, PETA don’t even like us catching and cleaning fish, but now Jesus is gonna take a fillet knife to my ass? Then what, hang me upside-down in the church window like a some inside-out rabbit or duck in the window of a Chinatown meat purveyor?

No way dude, I’m not going out like that.

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Tagged Disturbed, Religion

2008 08 08 Saw It Comments (2) Permalink

September 11th Commemorative Garbage

National Collectors Mint looking for idiots

I was going to make this part of a list of horrible potential Internet purchases, but I’ve seen the commercial one too many times now, so it rates its own post. Besides, it’s not just hawked on the Internet, meaning there are enough assholes willing to purchase it that it’s actually worth buying TV time. I’m speaking of course of the “9/11 Coin Certificate: World Trade Center Commemorative” thing you can buy here.

Is it a 9? An 11? No! Add it up to get $20 big Liberian Dollars

Now normally I’d avoid posting a link - but no one that reads this will buy that, and really, you need to go watch the commercial which they have running on the homepage. Because see, it explains all the VALUE this bad boy has. Including:

It’s much LARGER than US Currency. This makes it better, though its mileage will suffer.
The 9 and 11 add up to the value of the “coin certificate.” Never been done before!
It has the phrase “we will never forget” on it. Which I’m sure is true, because I’d never be able to forget making and selling these horrible pieces of shit either.
It comes with a certificate of authenticity, which confirms its status as “non-circulating Liberian Legal Tender Currency.” So you KNOW you bought something, and that something isn’t money, but it is a real something of some kind.
It’s exchangeable for coin of the realm! So if you find yourself in Liberia and you only have this huge silver-colored thing in your pocket, you can go….somewhere, one assumes…. and exchange it for 20 Liberian dollars with which you can make a phone call to someone that could wire you some real money. As long as the phone call costs less than 37 US cents, which is what twenty Liberian dollars equates to. This may be why the front says “In Memory” right above “Twenty Dollars.”
The back has “a stunning design of the new freedom tower skyline, in a silvery tribute to all who were lost on that tragic day.”

Oops - hang on there - I just threw up in my mouth a little. OK - let me finish.

The original issue price was supposed to be $39, but you can actually get it for only $20! Sadly, they are limiting purchases to only five per caller, so that sucks. Unless you call back.

The one bright side is that this might provide at least one positive way to leverage the whole expanded-governmental-powers-and-restricted-civil-rights thing going on now: perhaps the government will seize the names and addresses of all the people who bought one (or five) of these things, round them up and toss them in Gitmo, then waterboard them to death, removing them from the gene pool. You know, because they’re suspected of terrorism or something.

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Tagged Disturbed, Idiots, Scams

2008 08 06 Saw It Comments (3) Permalink

On Saturday, I Ask: Haben Sie Eine Spell-Checker?

There is no reason to put German in the title of this post.

The sub header is pretty pointless too. Kind of like the email I just got from someone named Joanne Rose, who apparently wants us (the “us” being Product Body, my wife’s awesome body product company) to hire her to do something, or not hire her to do something, I’m not sure which. And what the something is, well I’m not too sure about that either.

Here’s the email in its entirety (what isn’t clear from reading it below is that the email was actually a forward; all the copy was marked as quoted. She apparently had sent it to one company, then just forwarded the sent mail to more people):

Greetings!

My name is Joanne Rose. I am an international columnist for Vegan Voice and Natural Health-Vegetarian Life magazines, authour-founder of Vegan Virgin Enterprise - www.joannerose.com/veganvirgin.htm

I would love to do any print ad. campaigns for your company which I can have printed in the magazines I write for free of charge.

Thank you

Joanne Rose

So is she offering to write ads for free, publish them for free, or does she write for the magazines for free? And what exactly does “do any print ad.” mean anyway? Write it? Design it? Have sex with it? And what are her qualifications other than being an “authour,” whatever that is? I wanted answers and I wanted a smile so I went to her site, which provided none of the former but plenty of the latter. There’s lots of silliness there, but my personal favorite bit is the slogan for “Vegan Virgin,” her (company? website? nickname? I don’t know which): De-flower with Vegan Power! (Exclamation point is included.)

First of all, I think that’s technically impossible. That is unless you consider Merriam-Webster’s second definition, “to take away the prime beauty of,” which makes some sense to me at least as most of the vegans I’ve met give off great bilious clouds of smug, which could certainly take care of that task (the fact that some also look really undernourished doesn’t hurt either.) But I don’t think that’s what she meant, so we’re left to assume that a) she doesn’t know what a virgin is and b) has really poor ideas for slogans.

All of which leads me to wonder why on earth I’d want her “doing my ad,” unless she did mean have sex with it, which I would definitely be interested in seeing. You know, to see how that’d happen and stuff.

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Tagged Disturbed, Technology, Work

2008 08 02 Did It
Thought It Comments (2) Permalink

Spam-a-lot

Spam filters rule OK.

I have a spam filter that grabs comments it thinks are spam and holds them for review before publishing them to my site. Most are just ridiculous link heavy piles of crap. Some try to look like comments. I just got one that was in the latter category: it was supposed to look as if the writer was simply complimenting a post I made, didn’t have a lot of nonsensical verbiage, and only had one link to another site.

What gave it away? The poster’s name: Female Pee Pee Hole.

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Tagged Technology

2008 08 01 Saw It
Thought It Comments (3) Permalink

On Friday, I Hate The Contender

Making “reality” feel like a crappy movie.

I like MMA. I like Muy Thai. I love the UFC/Spike series “Ultimate Fighter”. So you’d think I’d like the new version of “The Contender,” (called “The Contender Asia”) which features Muy Thai fighters instead of traditional boxers like the original, horrible Sylvester Stallone produced and hosted version of the show did. VS network started re-running the ‘08 series last night, and since I hadn’t seen it in its original airing, I checked it out.

The good news is that Sylvester Stallone is not on the show. The bad news is that the show sucks anyway. I’ll admit that I was watched the first 40 minutes of the show while I was on my laptop, so I wasn’t really paying very close attention. But when the fight began I put down the computer to watch. And while Muy Thai can be a great style of fighting to watch, it flat blows when they have fucking MUSIC behind the fight. This is supposed to be a Muy Thai match. A fight. A real fight. And they run a hideous action movie-style music bed through the whole fight scene, which makes the entire thing feel fake, edited, and stupid.

Once you know that, it’s pointless to review any other part of the show, because it’s pointless to watch it. It’s not even worth grabbing a photo to put in this post. Spend your time clipping your toe nails or licking frogs instead. 1 out of 5 bones, and they only get the 1 because it’s Muy Thai instead of boxing, and there’s no Sly Stallone bolloxing things up.

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Tagged Fighting, Reviews, Television

2008 08 01 Thought It Comments (3) Permalink

On Thursday, I Love The Loud Family

The band, that is. And that goes for Mitch Easter, too.

I bitch a lot. So today I’m going to spread the love and tell you about a record. A Loud Family record. The first Loud Family record: “Birds and Plants and Rocks and Things.” The Loud Family is (or was anyway - this record was released in 1993) formed by Scott Miller after dissolving his previous band Game Theory, which had just about the best name for a band ever. I don’t have a single Game Theory record, not because I don’t like them, just because I never really knew anything about them. I’m not sure if I’ve even heard them actually, all of which is just my way of saying this isn’t one of those “I’m so cool because I know all about the history of this band and knew about them before anyone” record reviews.

Cool cover, cool songs, cool producer.

In fact it’s not really a record review at all. Nope. I’m just going to say that B&P&R&T (like I’m going to keep typing that shit out every time?) is one of the my personal faves; great lyrics, crazy-ass chord progressions, songs that range from beautiful to rocking to pretty odd. Overall a wonderful and really unique sounding record, thanks in no small part to producer Mitch Easter (who has a way cooler name than I do) who also produced the first couple of REM records. You know, the ones that didn’t suck. He doesn’t drop the ball with The Loud Family either. B&P&R&T gets 4.5 out of 5 bones. Go buy it, cheapskate.

That’s it. I said I’d be succint. And I’ve proven I can be positive in a post. And oh yeah, Last Comic Standing STILL SUCKS.

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Tagged Music, Reviews

2008 07 31 Thought It Comments (2) Permalink

On Wednesday, I Poop On The San Francisco Drugstore Tobacco Ban

What’s next, no porno at the pot stores?

The San Francisco board of supervisors is retarded. There. I’ve said it. Starting this fall, you can’t buy smokes at a drugstore because according to the mayors office:

“A pharmacy should be a place you go to get better, not a place you go to get cancer.”

Riddle me this: Where the fuck do they get off telling people where they should or shouldn’t get their cancer? All this is going to do is force residents to stop at the drugstore for their prescriptions, then make another trip to 7/11 to buy their porno and cancer, which not only unfairly discriminates against people who want equal access to cancer, but means more miles logged in their cars and therefore more CO2 emissions, which I thought they didn’t like in Cali.

This whole micromanagement of behavior, not to mention telling a business which legal products and diseases they can and can’t sell makes me highly agitated. So I’ll take the words of my ancestor (or so my mom tells me) Horace Greeley to heart and “go west young man.” If by “go” he meant “poop,” and by “young” he meant 45. And he meant it figuratively.

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Tagged Politics

2008 07 30 Thought It Comments (1) Permalink

Bone In The Fan

I Got Nothin’

Michael Phelps Wins Number Six. Clearly A Soviet Plot.

The Photos Don’t Lie: Phelps Is A Cold War Cyborg.