They ain’t Lehman Brothers, and the show sucks too.
Being the reality show douche bag that I have apparently become (to my everlasting embarrasment,) I’m watching America’s Toughest Jobs tonight. For those that don’t know, ATJ is the series poduced for NBC by Thom Beers, the cable television uber-producer that can’t seem to make a show on cable that isn’t a hit, no matter how crappy it may be.
Don’t get me wrong: Deadliest Catch kicks ass. Even Black Gold doesn’t suck (but then I’m a bitch for Texas), but as I’ve written before, Ice Road Truckers is poop on ice (or as I referred to it in my other post, jarred fart. Which is pretty goddamn funny but also horribly gross: ask my friend Jack.) One of the things that makes IRT so bad is Thom Beers’ narration. I’m not sure if it’s the tone of his voice or the writing (it’s probably both) but Thom, there’s only so many times you can say “hauling a load on only forty inches of ice - if it breaks, his truck could fall through” while fat dudes drive around in trucks with nothing happening before I want to strike you repeatedly in the face with a sack of Dutch monkey testicles.
So back to America’s Toughest Jobs. ATJ is basically a mashup of what appears to be every cable show Beers has produced along with every cable show he and/or anyone he’s ever met has ever thought of at any time. And it’s narrated by Thom Beers. And just like Ice Road Truckers, his voice and the copy have me reaching for a couple of Dutch monkeys and a pair of scissors. The other problems with the show are that the jobs just aren’t that tough, the contestants are boring, and we once again have to listen Thom Beers try and put lipstick on a pig and call it Sarah.
Tonight’s episode had the contestants learning to drive monster trucks, I assume to race them. Or crush something with them, which would be really fun and make me jealous. I don’t actually know yet because I haven’t finished watching it. I haven’t finished watching it because I had a sudden urge to write a short review of it. I had a suden urge to write a short review of it because as the first driver got into the truck to drive it, Thom Beers (insightful genius that he is, understanding how we can’t possibly get just what’s about to happen) piped up with a helpful bit of narration to explain precisely why driving a big truck rates as one of America’s toughest jobs (or at least why this would be so incredibly for the hard moron contestants.) I rewound the tape to make sure I quoted him exactly. His explanation was as follows:
“Their first task: learn to drive. They rookies will have to use all four limbs at the same time.”
Now that is impressive. ATJ rates zero bones out of five. Unless you need to wean yourself off of Ambien, in which case it might rate exactly one bone (assuming you can tune Beers’ voice out.)
Oh yeah, the host is a tool, too.
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Comments 6
“put lipstick on a pig and call it Sarah”
You couldn’t help it, could you! LOL!
I haven’t seen ATJ, and don’t think I ever will. I have yet to become a reality show douche bag…but honesty, “They rookies will have to use all four limbs at the same time.” is the best line they could come up with!? Sounds like a challenge. Apparently no one drives a stick anymore
Posted 15 Sep 2008 at 11:34 pm ¶Well, where do I start to talk about the illustrious Thom Beers. I guess I will start with the fact that every Tom who spells their name Thom, that I have ever met has been like meeting a eunuch. So I think the scissors and the Dutch Monkey will be very familiar territory for Thom. Maybe even a new show idea for him.
Having just caught a glimpse of tonights show, my first thought was “when did driving a monster truck become such a tough job”? I mean we all know that monster truck driving is kind of like an inbred formula one race……hard to watch, but not hard to do.
I agree that Deadliest Catch was captivating. I also enjoyed the Ax Men and Fugitive Strike Force although like many of Thom’s productions my interest wained after a few shows of the same dialog.
Brad, I am surprised you left out some of Thom’s blockbuster productions like; Verminators, 1000 WAYS TO DIE, Dead Tenants, Wing Nuts (put down the scissors), Twister Sisters and every show that has the word Monster in it like Monster Garage, Monster House and Monster Nation.
Speaking of monsters, have you seen Thom’s lovely wife and partner Leslie Beers? She is President of Amygdala Music, the music publishing and soundtrack division of ORIGINAL PRODUCTIONS, Leslie oversees the placement of original music in all series, specials and documentaries.
A little lipstick and 12 BEERS and she’s talented!
I guess I am going to have to contain myself until next weeks episode of ATJ, where the contestants will risk all four limbs in the “ultra tough” Bonsia Tree Trimming……Thom will be yammering on, while Leslie spins the tracks, while reality TV fans all over the nation imbed their fingernails into their La-z-boy recliners. All of us wondering, WHY?
Posted 16 Sep 2008 at 2:43 am ¶Why? Because we watch, sadly. Or some of us do, though I’m rapidly becoming disinterested. I wasn’t aware of a bunch of those piles of doo though - I guess you might be a bit more obsessed with Beers than I was. What I can’t believe I missed mentioning was that spelling of Thom, so thanks for mentioning it. I fucking HATE spelling it like that and insist on pronouncing it as written.
And I thought next week was Black Gold - I mean the episode where they drill for oil like on the Beers show Black Gold.
Posted 16 Sep 2008 at 12:06 pm ¶Hm, ATJ…haven’t heard of it before, but we sometimes watch Dirty Jobs (which, I think, is on the Travel Channel). Guess I’ll have to check this one out if I can put up with the “moron contestants”.
Posted 16 Sep 2008 at 1:13 pm ¶Oh yes I am a closet reality junkie….I’ve been watching cops since it’s inception, what like 20 some years ago. Karyn and I used to watch MTV’s real world too…..and yes I am embarassed to admit it too. I like the the Beers’ call their company Original Productions……..they certainnly are moriginal….which it think is a new word. But I like it Moriginal……..I was kidding about the bonsia tree trimming…..I have no idea what next weeks tough job will be……maybe opening pill bottles.
Posted 16 Sep 2008 at 6:06 pm ¶Original? That would be a great name for a web company.
Posted 17 Sep 2008 at 1:58 pm ¶Post a Comment