Bone In The Fan

This Wednesday, the cable network Discovery Home will be recycled into Planet Green, the first network dedicated to earning green by programming green.  Interesting?  Well, yes and no.  On the one hand, I’m equally likely to watch the new network as the old, which is to say not very.  Of course, I’m probably not their target market as shows like “Manic Organic” and “Get Fresh with Sara Snow” (featuring environmentally friendly clothing, furniture and food) aren’t really my cup of naturally grown, hand picked, fair trade tea.  On the other hand, as I do find the change interesting in an historical context, here’s a brief review to bring everyone up to date:

Allow me to begin with the Book of Programming, Chapter 1, Verse 1:

1. In the beginning there was only sound in the darkness.   And the people listened to the sound, and paid homage to the gods with their listening, and rewarded the gods by loving those that the gods told them to love, and the gods were pleased with the people and rewarded them by bringing light into the darkness.
2. And lo, there was light, and the light was called Television.
3. And through Television came unto the people the gods’ beloved angels, and the angels were called by the names Lucy and Desi and Milton and Ed and many others.  And the people loved the angels, and the gods were pleased.  And the gods showed the people what things the gods did love, and the people came to love them too, and so honored the gods by acquiring these holy objects.
4. And it was good.
5. And so did the gods reward the people by sending unto them more angels.  And the angels came unto them with names like Meathead, and Fonzie, and Potsie, and Hawkeye, and Crissy.   And lo, the gods decreed that this was Entertainment, and as the gods decreed, so it was, and the people enjoyed the Entertainment, and the gods were pleased.
6. And so the people danced to the Entertainment, and also drank to the Entertainment and also laughed with the Entertainment (as instructed in the book of Laugh Track, chapter 3, verses 1-5), and also made love during the Entertainment (particularly when visited by the angel Carson) and so the gods were pleased.
7. And it too was good.
8. And so with the gods’ blessings did the people multiply.  And as the people did multiply so also did the angels, and as the angels did multiply so also did the gods.
9. And lo, there came a day when heaven became crowded with gods, and the gods each wanted much praise unto them, and the people praised them not them as they wished, so said the god Nielsen.
10. And the gods on that day the first Great Truth did learn:  for the people loved the gods not equally and the people had found within themselves a great power of their own, and the people called the power the Clicker, for it clicked.
11. For many days and many nights the gods did think about the Entertainment, and also the people, and also the Clicker.   And there was much gnashing of teeth and hatred of the Clicker.  And many were the gods that believed they had given too much to the people.  And many more were the gods that believed they had given enough not, and need give the same but in larger quantities.
12. The wisest of the gods though saw the second Great Truth.  For the gods needed truly the praise of the people, but so too did the people need the blessings of the gods.
13. And there walked among the gods then a young god who claimed an oracle to be.  And so to this new god for counsel did the wisest gods travel.  And so from this new god did the wisest gods learn.  And when asked his name, the young god replied simply, “I am called Focus Group, and you may call be by that name”.  And it was so that they called him Focus Group.
14. And there began then an age of great enlightenment.  And the gods went to Focus Group for counsel, and so did Focus Group guide the gods.  And many lessons from Focus Group did the gods learn.
15. And the gods then learned the third Great Truth, for the god Focus Group told the gods that the people wanted not to think of themselves as the potatoes of the couch, but neither did they want to turn from the great gift Entertainment, and the gods saw then how to save the people.
16. And in their benevolence and great wisdom so did the gods give unto the people a great gift.  And the gift made the people feel not that they were stupid, yet still that they might rest upon their couches.  For the gift felt to the people as the giving of wisdom feels to the student.
17. The gift was a mere parlor trick to the gods, and many were the gods that thought the people would not be fooled by such weak magik, but lo the trick did work, and once again the people praised the gods, and the gods felt the love of the people, and the gods were happy.
18. And one wise god said unto the others “let the trick be not called magik lest they learn the truth and praise us not.”  And a second unto the first replied “what, are you fucking kidding me?  As long as we all keep pretending that this has some redeeming qualities, they’ll lap it up.”  Replied then the first unto the second “just humor me asshole.”
19. And so it was that one of the oldest and wisest gods said unto them both “shut up both of you – we’re gonna give it a name. And if either of you don’t like it you can lick my fucking balls.”  And so it was that the trick became known by a name.
20. And the name was Infotainment.
21. And it was less good.
22. But lo, the gods did rejoice anyway, and there was much celebration, and also drinking, and also dancing, and also self-congratulatory smoke-up-the-ass blowing, and also lines of blow, and also hookers enough for every god to bang two or maybe three.
23. And many were the years that Infotainment did earn praise from the people.  And Infotainment begat Reality Programming.  And Reality Programming begat Cruelty Programming with names like Moment of Truth.  And the gods rejoiced, and the people rejoiced.
24. And there then came a day when a powerful trend began among the people.  And that trend was called Green.  And the gods remembered the Clicker, and the gods remembered Infotainment, and the gods remembered the three Great Truths they had learned, and once again did they consult with the god Focus Group that they might use the great Green so to earn more praise from the people.
25. And so was born a new gift for the people.  And the gods knew it must be named, for everything must have a name.  And so it was named.
26. And the name was Eco-tainment.
27. And it was lame.
28. And the gods decreed that the gift be given its own direct channel to the people, with a name all its own that the people might better learn of the gift.  And so was a channel created from the ashes of another.  And so was it given a name.
29. And the name was Planet Green.
30. And then the gods did call unto them their fastest and best messenger. And the name of that messenger was New York Times.  And then did the god Discovery Communications speak the gospel unto the messenger.  And the messenger did swoon in the brightness of the god.  And the god said unto the messenger: “Go now.  Go among the people and tell them of this new gift.”  And so did the messenger do the god’s bidding and did go to the people and did spread the word, and the word was:
31. “This is an eco-tainment channel.  It’s a lifestyle and entertainment channel that’s designed to activate people in the green space.”

And that brings us right up to date, including the article in yesterday’s New York Times that includes the quote in The Book of Programming, Chapter 1, Verse 31 from Eileen O’Neill, the general manager of Planet Green.

So if you’re in the “green space” good news:  you’ve been officially recognized and targeted.  Now just sit back and prepare to be activated!