My fellow Americans: hiya. I come before you tonight to say “yes.” Yes, the rumors are true. Yes, I will be running for office. Yes, I’ll pause for your applause. Tonight I’m officially announcing my candidacy for local office. Office of commissioner. Commissioner on the board of this special district. Yes, I recognize it’s not a HUGE office, but I like to think of myself as the Mayor Quimby of Jupiter. Maybe a little skinnier and bit more ethical, but with the same accent. Except I don’t have an accent. Or wear a sash. But other than the weight, and the ethics, and the accent, and the sash, I really like to think of myself as Mayor Quimby.
Now I know you’re wondering what my plans are if I’m elected. And I’m here to tell you those plans, and I’m going to tell you those plans, and here those plans are: First, I promise plenty of government money for everyone; you name the figure, I write the check. Second, naked chicks for all the guys. Third, sensitive guys for all the chicks. And of course, free BBQ.
I know what you’re thinking: you’re thinking “Brad, I’ve heard a lot of promises from a lot of politicians; why should I believe you?” Well, let me just say this about that: I admit that I might not actually have the clout to pull that all off - yet. But they’re goals. Goals we can achieve together. Goals that represent a real change from politics as usual. Why I’ll bet my opponents have no interest at all in providing chicks, or guys, or good bbq. And anyway look, this could be the start of a major political career for me and, if elected to higher office in the future (like say, President?), I promise to deliver all that plus I’ll serve my entire term wearing clothing provided by Botany 500.
Now in case you think I’m joshing you about this, here’s a screen shot of the printout of candidates so you can see for yourself just how goddamn serious I am:
That’s right, serious as a heart attack. That’s me right there up on the top. Just the way I like it. Now, I know you’re wondering what you can do to help me win this election. So those of you that truly want change this election year, I suggest you go ahead and move to Palm Beach County by November then stop in to vote. After that you can do whatever the hell you want until the next election, I could care less.
For those of you that can’t relocate in time though, I feel your pain. I share your pain. And against my campaign manager’s advice, I’ve decided to unveil my 2008 slogan here, now, in the hope that you all might feel just a little bit better. So here it is:
“Vote Schmidt. It Doesn’t Start With W”
Thank you for your time, thank you for your consideration, and god bless America.
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Comments 9
Your name is BradFORD? And I thought you were cool? (yeah, I’m cracking myself up at your expense, but if you’re paying for all that BBQ, you can pay for this too).
If you tell me which god is blessing America, I just might be inclined to move to FL to vote for you!
Posted 21 Jun 2008 at 4:06 pm ¶Congratulations! My S.O. recently ran for mayor of our village (608 residents) and won 15% of the vote (obviously not enough to win) but still a nice chunk for a first timer! The only thing I can say about running for office is that involvement with politics really blows unless you’re really into it. We are both independent free-thinkers in an aging community who still believes that W was the better choice…period (Code name: Uber-Republican droids). Maintain your good sense of humor, you’ll need it!
Posted 21 Jun 2008 at 4:13 pm ¶Teresa: Yes, BradFORD. Wanna start something over it? When I’m President, you’re fucked. As for whom is blessing what, well - you have to say that to get elected, don’t you?
Ally: Thanks - I’m actually not going to have a campaign per-se. This is one of those elections I’ve never voted in; you know the ones that you didn’t even know were going on until you get to the polling place and see it? Then you don’t know what the job is, or who the people are or anything? I won’t vote in those if I don’t know anything about them.
In this case, I don’t pretend to know how the winner will be elected. Obviously you’ve got the friends and family vote, which I’ll lose because I don’t know anyone. Then you have the people who vote by party, but no party affiliations are listed in this election which is to my advantage because I’m a Libertarian, and would lose all the D and R votes. But you’ve always got the people who just vote for the first name on the list, and THAT’S my crowd, baby. Plus of course I get the “I dislike last names that start with W” vote, as well as the “I vote for the person with the most letters in their name” vote.
By the way, “independent free-thinkers” isn’t code for hippy, is it?
Posted 21 Jun 2008 at 4:34 pm ¶Oh god, am I a hippie? I think there are too many prerequisites to join and I really despise Patchouli. Plus, armpit hair is really only acceptable on men or in Europe.
Posted 21 Jun 2008 at 8:11 pm ¶Ally: Nice. I was asking, not accusing. As far as acceptability of armpit hair, I’m in agreement completely, except for the “in Europe” part. Since I don’t like letting society tell me what is and isn’t acceptable, I can’t just defer to the locality, you know what I mean? I know that the Europeans find it acceptable, but I’m no fan of the hairy armpit look on the ladies. Perhaps it’s because of over-exposure to the cover or Patti Smith’s album Easter when I was just 15 and not getting laid, maybe it’s because my annoyingly knee-jerk hippy feminist sisters (all between 7 and 11 years older than me) never shaved anything (if you get my drift - and I only know that because of bikini overflow -ew) or maybe it’s just a genetic pre-disposition to liking my women aerodynamic, but I don’t care if I’m here or there, near or far, in the US, the UK or at the UN. I don’t dig it the armpit hair or the patchouli.
And this is rapidly turning into a post. For a better idea of my feelings about hippies, you could read the review I did for Joanna’s soap blog over here.
Posted 21 Jun 2008 at 8:43 pm ¶If you’re prez, I’m moving back to Canada, so there…nyeah!! Oh wait, I think I said that about Bush before the last election. Should I be scared now?
Posted 21 Jun 2008 at 9:12 pm ¶Actually, I did read that post! Brought a whole new definition to “crunchy” and I think “Sunbeam” is a guy I actually know.
I don’t necessarily feel that it’s acceptable for European women to eschew the razor…however, it’s kind of like going to California and seeing a bunch of muscleheads in impossibly tight speedos with austrian accents hitting on every hottie in a bikini. It’s NOT right and we may not LIKE it, but it exists and we accept that if we venture to those parts, we will likely see this behavior and accept that it is a part of that culture.
I totally feel a hippie post on the horizon….
Posted 22 Jun 2008 at 10:03 am ¶What does it pay? And is it me, or does that inlet look like a birth canal with a couple of sperm swimming up it? Anyway, congrats on applying for a job.
Posted 22 Jun 2008 at 7:45 pm ¶Wow, how many municipalities have a sea turtle in their logo? And navigation charts on their website. I see that Warwick is the incumbent and the only current W on the board. You may need to go negative early.
Posted 23 Jun 2008 at 8:16 am ¶Trackbacks & Pingbacks 3
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