Bone In The Fan

The Photos Don’t Lie: Phelps Is A Cold War Cyborg.

Michael Phelps won his sixth gold medal last night, and did it in world record time.  Now isn’t this just a LITTLE suspicious?  NBC did a video breakdown of his body last night, demonstrating that he has the legs of a 6′ man, but the torso of someone 6′5″. Perfect for swimming. His heart pumps twice as much blood than the average man his size.  Perfect for athletics of all kinds.  He’s double jointed at both his knees and elbows. Perfect for that dolphin kick he does. He has size 14 shoes, hands “the size of dinner plates” and a flat ass.  All of which make him the kind of swimmer you’d design in a video game. If, you know, you played kind of boring video games.

All of this may be just amazing coincidence.  A once-in-a-million-years kind of genetic occurance.  Except for one thing: I’ve seen his “mom.”  She’s in the audience at every meet.  And they’re trying to tell us that this perfect specimen of swimming, this impossibly fast “human” swims in the same gene pool as the woman cheering him on.

Look, I’m not trying to insult the woman. I’m sure she’s very nice, and is obviously extremely supportive of Michael. But let’s say I tried to tell you the following were photos of Secretariat and his mother:

Family photos from Secretariat's piano? Not likely.

Are you buying it?  Didn’t think so.

There is only one explanation for all of this: Michael Phelps is a genetically engineered Soviet cyborg developed near the end of the cold war.  He was “born” in 1985, just four years before the fall of the Berlin wall. At that time, the USSR knew they were close to collapse and were desperate to find some way to quietly survive and rise again.  By planting Phelps in the U.S., they were able to take advantage of our training facilities and build and “all-American” image for their cyborg.  Once Phelps eclipses the 7 gold medal achievement of Mark Spitz, he’ll have an enormous personal following that will listen to his every word….even as he defects to Mother Russia because the American imperialist dogs must die.

Need more proof?  See the following comparison photo of Phelps and Spitz:

One of these things is not like the other.

Two major things you need to note:

1. Phelps’ hand.  Purportedly over his heart, but looking suspiciously like some sort of Soviet gang sign.
2. Michael Phelps HAS NO MUSTACHE.

I rest my case.  At the very least, this Phelps thing will undermine one of the greatest and most valuable assets we as a county have. The iconic “Seventies Mustachioed American Hero.”  From GI Joe to Burt Reynolds, it’s a house of cards, and it will collapse.  Mark my words.

Joe, Burt, I feel your pain. I'd be scared too.

We can only hope that Phelps fails in his quest to outdo Spitz. Because this is more than the Olympics, and it’s more than swimming.  I say to you now: our entire way of life is at risk.

Besides, with size 14 feet and 11 gold medals already, does he REALLY need any more help with the ladies?

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