Bone In The Fan

What’s Jesus’ SPF, Anyway?

At the risk of appearing obsessed, I’m posting yet two more advertisements from the church down the block. I’ve mentioned two others here and here, but these two are all kinds of wacky.

Ad The First:

Warning: Exposure to the son may prevent burning.

Very punny. But completely nonsensical. I mean, why is this a warning? I was under the impression that burning was to be avoided.  You’ve got the whole skin cancer thing everyone’s worried about, plus burning hurts.  Like, I went snorkeling last weekend and the retard that sprayed my back with suntan lotion totally missed about 30% of my skin, so I got a really bad burn and it just completely sucks. Should I have spread some Jesus on before swimming? Where can I get a tube of Jesus, anyway?  I haven’t seen it in CVS or anything. Would it have helped with the jellyfish sting I got, too?

Wish I'd had this when I was snorkeling.

Which brings me to:

Ad The Second:

Be ye fisher of men: you catch them, he’ll clean them.

So to begin with, what exactly do they mean by fishing and catching men?  Are we talking about crews of christians in pickup trucks, hopped up on cans of cheap holy water and driving around in their pickup trucks, cranking christian rock and netting people?  Or are we talking about a more mellow group, setting up fishing poles in the back of the truck and just dragging the lines, maybe baiting the hooks with a copies of Hustler they “found,” but really just kicking back in a lawn chair in the pickup bed (after spreading on some Jesus to protect the skin of course) while they troll through town until someone yells “man on!” and one of them straps himself into the fighting chair like Quint in “Jaws” to reel the dirty beast in?  Either way, I personally do not relish the idea of a bunch of good ol’ boys “landing” my ass in their truck and delivering me to the clubhouse be cleaned.

And what the hell is with cleaning humans, anyway?  I mean, PETA don’t even like us catching and cleaning fish, but now Jesus is gonna take a fillet knife to my ass?  Then what, hang me upside-down in the church window like a some inside-out rabbit or duck in the window of a Chinatown meat purveyor?

No way dude, I’m not going out like that.

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