Joanna and I were watching a bit of the ol’ tele recently when the new Quiznos ad came on.  Normally I DVR whatever we watch and zip over the ads, but we came across a new episode of Reno 911 (uneven show, but this was a really funny episode with Rainn Wilson, who apparently only started acting regularly about 10 years ago when in his mid-thirties, so he’s fucking cool in my book) and we decided to watch it and gut it out through the commercials.  So glad we did.

The ad was for the new Quiznos product. A twelve inch long sandwich.  Called a Toasty Torpedo. Which is introduced by a talking oven and a worker named Scott.  Who holds a twelve-incher in his fist, pointing it at his mouth like he’s about to deep throat the thing, while the oven goes on and on in sexy-man-tones about how great the sandwich is.

The end of the ad has the oven practically groaning the line: “Put it in me, Scott”.

At which point Joanna and I looked at each other and started laughing our asses off.

So now I’m all curious to see if any groups protested the ad, and why.  I can see it bringing the bible-thumpers out in force even though the bible doesn’t say you can’t bang an oven (it doesn’t even specifically ban coveting an oven).  This apparently being a GAY oven though, I’m sure that asshole at Westboro Baptist Church would be none too happy about it.  Of course, had the oven spoken with a woman’s voice, I’m assuming some second-wave femenist groups would be pissed off (the third-wave femenists are probably just stoked that oven-fuckers of either gender are being empowered).  I don’t know much about the oven-rights movement.

Anyhow, go Quiznos! Whoever pitched that ad had balls, and I’m glad I caught it (hell, if I gobbled shitty carb-bomb sandwiches from giant chains, and I came across a table displaying all my options, I’d reach around a Subway sandwich to jam a Quiznos 12″ Torpedo into my mouth instead).  When I was cruising YouTube to pick up a copy of the ad, I did find that there are a few versions, some that deviate quite a bit from the package I saw (the one on the Quiznos site is tamer).  And while I had no glory searching for the uncut one I checked out the other night (what a drag), I did find this variant:

Personally, I think closing with “Put it in me, Scott” is tops, but I guess that’s just how I like my gay oven porn.

This is a post from: Bradford Schmidt's blog, Bone In The Fan.

Gay Robotic Ovens

You may have seen some of my prior posts about the church down the street from me and the wacky slogans they put up in front of the joint to try and build up their membership.  If you haven’t, you can check out the whole lot of them by clicking here to see a list of all the ones I’ve weighed in on.

At any rate, this week’s pitch goes a little something like this:

It is unlikely that there’ll be a decrease in the wages of sin.

This is awesome news.  First of all,  I could definitely use some extra money right now and I didn’t even know the church was hiring (it’s even within walking distance.)  Better still though is what they’re paying for.  I mean, I knew that you could probably get work for doing really nasty shit like stealing things or killing people, but I’m a lover not a fighter, so that’s just not my bag.  But the news that there are plenty more sins to choose from if you’re looking for work is, yeah I’ll say it, revelatory!   For example, did you know you can earn big money for:

• Craftiness (2 Cor 4:2)
• Following the desires of the mind (Eph 2:3)
• Being Carnal or worldly (1 Cor 3:1-3; Ro 8:6-8)
• Eating and drinking with the drunken (Mt 24:49)
• Fornication (Acts 15:20; Mk 7:21; Ro 1:29)

And I’m pretty sure I can do all five of those at once, so I’m figuring my mortgage will be covered at least. But if those aren’t your cup of tea, there are plenty of others on the list of 667 sins posted here, (you knew they wouldn’t stop at 666, right? And they claim the list isn’t even complete!)  So there’s way more to choose from.  Like, did you know that “foolishness” is a sin?  Well, it is (Mk 7:22, Titus 3:3).  So is “debate” (Ro 1:29,) “pride” (Ja 4:6; Ro 1:30; Pv 16:18; Ps 10:4,) and “not honoring the president” (1 Pe 2:17,) (so the Presidential debates tonight should go down in flames.  Literally.)

Got kids?  Tell them they can’t play Xbox and get paid big bucks for “provoking your children to wrath” (Eph 6:4.)  Do you like going out on the town?  How’d you like to get paid for “dressing indecently” (1 Tim 2:9; Pv 7:10) which could probably earn your boyfriend a few bucks for “refusing to leave the great harlot” (Rev 18:4; 2 Cor 6:16,17,) and if you’re lucky you’ll both be earning crazy ducats for “sex outside of marriage” (1 Cor 5:11; 6:18,20; Ex 22:16,17.)

There’s just so much good stuff to choose from I don’t know where to start.  But riotous living (Lk 15:13,18) sounds fun, so maybe I’ll go with that until I get an assignment from god.

This is a post from: Bradford Schmidt's blog, Bone In The Fan.

Church Advertising Update

At the risk of appearing obsessed, I’m posting yet two more advertisements from the church down the block. I’ve mentioned two others here and here, but these two are all kinds of wacky.

Ad The First:

Warning: Exposure to the son may prevent burning.

Very punny. But completely nonsensical. I mean, why is this a warning? I was under the impression that burning was to be avoided.  You’ve got the whole skin cancer thing everyone’s worried about, plus burning hurts.  Like, I went snorkeling last weekend and the retard that sprayed my back with suntan lotion totally missed about 30% of my skin, so I got a really bad burn and it just completely sucks. Should I have spread some Jesus on before swimming? Where can I get a tube of Jesus, anyway?  I haven’t seen it in CVS or anything. Would it have helped with the jellyfish sting I got, too?

Wish I'd had this when I was snorkeling.

Which brings me to:

Ad The Second:

Be ye fisher of men: you catch them, he’ll clean them.

So to begin with, what exactly do they mean by fishing and catching men?  Are we talking about crews of christians in pickup trucks, hopped up on cans of cheap holy water and driving around in their pickup trucks, cranking christian rock and netting people?  Or are we talking about a more mellow group, setting up fishing poles in the back of the truck and just dragging the lines, maybe baiting the hooks with a copies of Hustler they “found,” but really just kicking back in a lawn chair in the pickup bed (after spreading on some Jesus to protect the skin of course) while they troll through town until someone yells “man on!” and one of them straps himself into the fighting chair like Quint in “Jaws” to reel the dirty beast in?  Either way, I personally do not relish the idea of a bunch of good ol’ boys “landing” my ass in their truck and delivering me to the clubhouse be cleaned.

And what the hell is with cleaning humans, anyway?  I mean, PETA don’t even like us catching and cleaning fish, but now Jesus is gonna take a fillet knife to my ass?  Then what, hang me upside-down in the church window like a some inside-out rabbit or duck in the window of a Chinatown meat purveyor?

No way dude, I’m not going out like that.

This is a post from: Bradford Schmidt's blog, Bone In The Fan.

Still More Church Ads

Tonight’s slogan is a bit odd as well; it suggests that hanging out with the devil is a bad idea, as if Rosemary’s Baby, The Omen, and American Idol’s success weren’t enough to demonstrate that. But I’m pretty sure that in all of those examples people had either made deals with the devil or were the devil, and all this marquee says is:

Never give the devil a ride.  If you do he’ll want to drive.

I don't know...he looks pretty friendly to me and I'll bet he tells great stories. He might pitch in for gas, too.

Is that really a good enough reason to pass the devil by if I see him hitchhiking?  I mean first of all, think of the stories he could tell: epic battles in the war of heaven (Pope John XXI estimated the size of the devil’s forces in that war as 133,306,668, with team heaven fielding twice that number: sounds more exciting than the battle scenes in 300. By the way though, who the hell makes an estimate ending in 8?  It’s an estimate.  Round up, for god’s sake!), what it was like falling from heaven to earth (and did that hurt bad, or was he wearing some kind of parachute?), the construction problems while be was building hell, the look Jerry Falwell’s fat face when he found out where he was going to be hanging for eternity….sounds really entertaining actually. Plus, I don’t mind taking a break from driving now and then.  So I’m thinking that as long as he doesn’t fart too much with the windows up, I’m good with it.

This is a post from: Bradford Schmidt's blog, Bone In The Fan.

More Church Advertising, And Still Confusing

Tonight they premiered a new slogan:

The best vitamin for a Christian is B1

Get it?  Like BE ONE.  Be a Christian, see?  But that makes no sense at all, because telling someone who already is a Christian to B1 is just redundant. Unless they mean it literally, and it’s just a coincidence that it can be read as “be one.”  So I looked up vitamin B1 on Wikipedia.  Turns out it’s thiamin, and I know you’re all going to say, “yeah, I knew that,” but you’re full of shit; just like when you’re watching Jeopardy and wait until the person just starts to give the answer (in a form of a question) and you blurt it out like you were going to anyway.  I know you do that.  And it sucks when you’re both wrong, doesn’t it?

Beriberi looks pretty bad. I'm fairly sure Brooke Shields did not have it.

Anyway, a shortage of thiamin can cause beriberi, which sounds like something that Brooke Shields could have caught when she was making The Blue Lagoon but actually isn’t.  By the way, I went to high school briefly with Brooke Shields, but she was 2 years younger than me and I didn’t know her or anything.  I did ride in an elevator with her a few times though and she seemed just fine.

I’ve heard nothing about a beriberi outbreak among Christians. I suppose it’s possible that they’re just taking the marquee very seriously and it’s working, but there’s always the possibility that rather than preventing a shortage of thiamin they’re bulking up on it. That would make a bit more sense in the short-term since it’s been reported (though not proven) that 25-50mg of thiamin taken three times a day may repel mosquitoes (which we have in abundance in Florida.) And while I don’t understand why this is a particularly Christian problem to deal with (do they suffer a disproportionate number of mosquito bites?) I do at least understand the goal.  Long-term though, I think the church may be facing some problems as it appears that 50mg of thiamin may increase mental acuity, which could easily lead to a little free-lance biblical fact-checking.  That never goes well for the collection plate.

This same church did have one other notable slogan once:

If god had a wallet, would your picture be in it?

First of all, I reject the entire premise. Why would god need a wallet anyway? If cops get free donuts and coffee, I’m thinking god pretty much scores whatever he wants, whenever he wants. Do you want to be the Heaven-11 clerk that stops him from walking out with a six pack of PBR and some smokes while he’s got some hot chick sitting in his convertible GTO and listening to Kansas, waiting for him to hurry his ass up with the brewskis so they can hit makeout point?  Not unless you want to move to a nice apartment overlooking the water on the wrong side of the river Styx, I don’t think you do (do they play Styx on the river Styx? Through big outdoor speakers all up and down the coast? Maybe a nice Kenny G version of “Come Sail Away”?)

Let him take the beer. This view sucks.

And even if god did have a wallet, I don’t want my picture crammed in there with everyone else’s so that when he gets in the car to go to the store he crushes it with his big god-ass. Thanks, no. I’ll take my chances with a group portrait in the foyer, or maybe a tasteful 8×10 in a lucite frame on his piano.

This is a post from: Bradford Schmidt's blog, Bone In The Fan.

Church Advertising.