I think I’ve mentioned that I’m a Vine reviewer at amazon.com (yeah – I totally mentioned it when I posted my review of that horrible Jerry Stahl book) .  Anyway, what all that means is that because I wrote a really popular review once, I have a high reviewer rating, and get to order two or three free things a couple of times a month.  In return, I have to write reviews of 75% of them.  Pretty sweet, except that I haven’t gotten any cool electronics yet, and I tend to get offered too many self-help books and cheesy mysteries.

Come to think of it, while I’m complaining there is one other downside for someone as obsessive as I am: you may have noticed that at amazon.com you can vote on reviews, marking them “helpful” or “unhelpful”.  Notice that you aren’t supposed to mark them “I agree” or “I disagree”.  The thing is though, that if you write a negative review, no matter how good or helpful or descriptive it is, people that like the book (or music, or product) will mark your review “unhelpful”.  Which is total bullshit, man.  And which, as you may imagine, happens to me.  Fairly often.  So my “helpful” rating takes a shit, and I get irritated.  Which is stupid of course, but I can’t help it.  Because the people that give me those “unhelpful” votes are the kind of stupid, fanboy apologists I want to drown in pig fat.  Kinda reminds me of the starry-eyed kool-aid drinkers that refuse to admit the person they voted for might, just possibly, not quite be the perfect human they think he or she is (oooh – is that foreshadowing of a post I’m working on?  Perhaps, rabbit, perhaps).

Now, lest I appear to be an even bigger whiny bitch than I in fact am, (especially in light of the fact that I get a lot of free books, many of which are advance reading copies that make me feel like a total book stud), I’ll shut up now.  Except to say that tonight I had to submit three reviews (two books, one CD) so that I can get more free shit when the newsletter publishes tomorrow at 3PM sharp.  Since writing them ate up any time I’d normally spend blogging, I’m going to take Joanna’s suggestion and publish my Vine reviews a couple of times a month.  Uh, starting tonight.  You can consider them filler, but, you know, you might be interested in them anyway.  They’re lower on snark than my usual stuff (though in the case of the Trouble Andrew review, barely), but I’m still pretty happy with them.  Oh, and I do link to their amazon.com product pages, but purely for your own interest – I make no money if you actually buy one of the books (I’m assuming you’ll avoid the CD).

TROUBLE ANDREW: REMIXED AND REMASTERED

Trouble Andrew: Music as shitty as the cover art.

Trevor Andrew, AKA Trouble Andrew, may well be a brilliant and inspired snowboarder – I wouldn’t know, as I don’t follow snowboarding. I do however know a bit about making records, so I can say with a fair amount of assurance that, at least based on this album, those talents do not extend to making music.

Sure there’s an eclectic mix of styles on this album, but rather than add interest, all it does is demonstrate that Trouble Andrew is a master of none of them. According to the product description, he made (or wrote, or something) much of this music while recovering from a snowboarding accident, conveniently surrounded by musical equipment. And, well, that’s exactly how I’d describe this disc: it SOUNDS like it was made by a snowboarder that was given access to a whole bunch of neat electronic gear and tripped out to the cool sounds for a few months.

A perfect example of why technology can’t do it alone (Henry Rollins goes on about this fact quite eloquently in his duet with William Shatner on the album “Has Been” – which is great by the way), I suspect this record would never have seen the light of day had Trouble Andrew not been who he is (and were his fiance not been Santogold). While there are a few moments of interesting music (a very few) the vast majority of the album is just tremendously boring, and the good bits feel like nothing so much as happy accidents. And even if you could get past the poor writing, the lack of originality and creativity, and the stupid-as-a-box-of-hammers lyrics in some of these songs, you’d still be left with Trouble Andrew’s voice, which has no business being featured on a record.

Am I being too hard on Trouble Andrew? Maybe, maybe not. But ever since Garage Band was released, there are an awful lot of people who push a few buttons and figure they’re brilliant musicians/dj’s/remixers/what-have-you. I may just be a grumpy old engineer, but I have absolutely no use for that.  Plus, as I’m writing this I happen to be listening to Shadow Dancer’s debut CD Golden Traxe, which, like it or not, is a great example of using technology to do something interesting besides make up for a lack of musical chops.

By all means, check out Golden Traxe, but avoid this at all costs. Even no cost.

No Bones (out of 5)

ALL THAT I HAVE by CASTLE FREEMAN JR.

Great old-school storytelling.

I loved this book.

There, I’ve said it, so grab a copy.

What? More? Oh, right. OK then. I have not read “Go With Me”, Freeman’s last book, so I can’t say (as others have) whether or not you ought to read them in order, but I can say that “All That I Have” is fantastic.

Narrator Lucius Wing is an old-school sheriff (not to be confused with a lawman, as he makes quite clear) in rural Vermont, trying to continue sheriffing (yes, it’s used as a verb in the book – as in shepherding) the way he was taught, while new, zealous, by-the-book types gun for his job and Russian mobsters move into the neighborhood.

While all this sounds like a set-up for a fast paced, wacky novel (the kind that’s been done to death), what Freeman thankfully gives us instead is a wonderfully-paced, beautifully written STORY. A story that feels like it’s being told over a cup of coffee in a diner in Wing’s small town.

I’m not going to reiterate the story lines or character descriptions that are amply outlined in other reviews. I’m simply going to say that “All That I Have” is a complete and total pleasure, and when I finished my coffee and watched Sheriff Wing head off to do his job, I was already looking forward to our meeting.

4.5 Bones (out of 5)

LONELY PLANET GUIDE: ARIZONA, NEW MEXICO, & THE GRAND CANYON

Way to go.

I’ve never read a Lonely Planet travel guide before, but after getting my hands on this one, I doubt I’ll plan a trip anywhere without one (assuming wherever I’m going is covered of course).

The guide is made up of 58 themed itineraries, the names of which alone make me excited to get on the road (how can you resist names like Green Chile Adventure, Dam Diving, or Big Skies and Weird Science?). While I’ve seen some reviewers mention that they don’t like this idea, I love it. You may not be able to easily find a list of every Motel 6 near Flagstaff, but there are about a million other books (and websites, and maps) that can give you that information. I may not plan an entire vacation by theme, but I certainly plan parts of it that way, and this fits my way of thinking perfectly.

The first page of each itinerary describes the theme, lays out the number of days it will take, lists the the start and end points, and tells you the best time of year to follow it. Then each section and stop is detailed, complete with food, lodging and all points of interest. The last page of each has a complete list of the places mentioned in that itinerary, along with contact information and price ranges. Also listed are other itineraries that “link” up with the one you’ve just read, allowing you to chain them together. Of course, you can always pick and choose those stops that are interesting to you, modify the time you take, and change entire sections to suit your needs.

The writing is enjoyable and rarely dry, and the choices of places to go cover pretty much every taste and are always interesting. At the front of the book, all itineraries are sorted by a nice array of criteria (season, state, history & culture, offbeat, route, experts’ picks, etc.) that allow you to approach your planning from a number of angles. For those that want to find places of interest by location as opposed to theme, there’s also a map of the entire area the book covers overlaid with numbers corresponding to individual itineraries. The opening pages also contain a number of representative photos, which brings me to my only real complaint: they’re beautiful pictures, and I wanted more of them.

That’s looking a gift horse in the mouth though. Overall this Lonely Planet guide is a well thought out, unique, interesting, and really fun way plan a trip.

5 Bones (out of 5, and in the context of travel books)

This is a post from: Bradford Schmidt's blog, Bone In The Fan.

Three Vine Reviews