Bone In The Fan

I couldn’t resist watching that horrible Moment of Truth show last night, and I’m glad I didn’t (resist that is.) If you haven’t seen it, this is the show where they take soulless money grubbing fucks that are willing to hurt the people closest to them in exchange for cash, hook them up to a lie detector and ask a bunch of questions, then bring them on stage with some family and friends before asking them the same questions and see if they’ll “tell the truth” in front of the entire bottom-feeding Fox television audience (myself included, apparently). They win more money for the more questions they tell truth about, but lose it all if they get caught in one “lie.” So what’s with the quotation marks?  Some of the questions are phrased in such a way that it would be really, really easy to get results that may not be accurate. Which just makes the contestants that much stupider, meaner and greedier that they’ll go on the show in the first place.

Truth being relative. And mean.

It would be easy to enjoy these idiots crucifying themselves, but the show isn’t really about telling the truth; it’s about publicly humiliating, in really awful ways, the poor saps that are sitting on stage with the contestants and stand to win absolutely nothing at all. Them I’d almost feel sorry for, except that if they’re stupid enough to go on the show and bad enough judges of character that they become involved with someone who could do this to them on television, then they probably really need to spend some time re-evaluating their lives a bit, don’t you think? This could be a wonderful growing experience, if they don’t off themselves in the bathroom after the taping.

The incredibly smarmy and insincere host, who doesn’t warrant a name look-up, pretends it really pains him to ask the questions, which just adds to car-wreck quality of the show (hint: if you watch this piece of shit, record it on a dvr and skip him, the questions and all the fluff - you can watch the whole show in about 7 minutes and possibly avoid the desire to perform a home lobotomy by ramming a knitting needle into your ear.)

But last night’s show reached new heights of pretending to give a shit about anything but laying waste to the contestants and their families. The contestant was a woman, and her family/friends in attendance included her mom and her boyfriend (whom she referred to as the best person she’s ever met.)  Stage set, I’ll paraphrase a few of the questions in the order they were asked, along with her answers in parenthesis:

1. Has a bartender ever refused to serve you a drink because you were too drunk? (Yes)
2. Have you ever woken up in bed with a man who’s name you could not remember? (Yes)
3. Have you ever left the scene of a car accident that you caused? (Yes)
4. Do you ever wish any part of your boyfriend were more well endowed?

The money shot! Let me rephrase it to more accurately convey what the producers were saying:

Is your boyfriend’s penis large enough for you, or were you such a drunken slut for so many years that your vagina is a decimated pocket of flaccid musculature that no man of lesser penile stature than John Holmes himself could pleasure? (And by the way, would you mind telling your boyfriend in front of millions of people that he’s not packing what you need, and you’ve been faking orgasms for years?)

You can guess the answer to that last one. Let’s just say that if that dude has emerged from his home since the show aired, I’m impressed.

One last thing: I just noticed on the Fox site that they publish the questions that weren’t even asked on the show. So even if someone quits to avoid further destruction, viewers can still go to the website to get an idea of what other secrets they have. Nice.

Oh, and they’re casting. So if you’ve done some horrific shit you’d like to admit on television while you destroy a relationship or two, head on over to Fox!

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