Bone In The Fan

Yes I did.  I watched The Two Coreys on A&E Sunday night.  Corey number one being Corey Haim, who I’ve never seen in anything and Corey number two being Corey Feldman, who I’ve also never seen in anything, but I know he was in that movie where he dressed and danced like Michael Jackson and I believe even wore just one glove. Also like Michael Jackson.  Dance a Dance For Me Dream a Little Dream (I gave in and looked it up, which worked out well because it turns out there was a Dream a Little Dream II, plus I got a great photo) or some stupid shit like that, which no, I did not see, nor did I want to, though I did need to note the visual for pop culture reasons.  As an aside, Feldman seems to like sequels; he was also in Meatballs 4, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 and Toxic Avenger 4, Toxie’s Revenge.  And how much does Haim look like Molly Ringwald in this photo?  Cute as a goddamn button.

I thought Corey Haim co-starred - not Molly Ringwald.

One has a bluetooth headset. The other has a real perty mouth. They're both all Corey.

Also too, “the two Coreys” (the phrase, not the show) made a pretty good punchline (a shocker, considering the movie poster for Dream a Little Dream), like Abe Vigoda or Brett Somers for a few years, so I know them as that.  They had a “reality” show on last year in which Haim went to Feldman’s house to visit, or live, or something, got in arguments with his PETA-proud wife and then I have no idea what happened because I couldn’t stand watching it (I did just go to the A&E website and found out that Feldman plays or played in a band called “The Truth Movement” - I’ll just let that one lie there.)  This year we find out there was jealousy, fighting and a big breakup between the Coreys at the end of season one, and as season two begins we see number one returning to LA to meet with number two after six months Canada.

Here’s what we learn in just the first week:

1. Corey Haim refers to himself as “The Haimster.”  No, I’m not joking. I will henceforth do the same.
2. Corey Feldman wears white hooded sweatshirts with Los Angeles written in pink sparkle script on the back, and a pattern on the front that was apparently applied with a bedazzler.  Maybe his wife is the designer, I don’t know, but it cries out “I want a nickname too, and I like Ass.” I can work with that.
3. All these Coreys running around seem to have confused Ass; he wears (also bedazzled) sunglasses at night, apparently thinking he’s a third Corey, Corey Hart.
4. Ass and The Haimster (now there’s a show title) co-starred in Lost Boys. They also both appear in some way in Lost Boys II, and this is causing tension and worry for both of them (and me too - so much tension and worry that I climbed into my kitty cat pj’s and ate three pints of ice cream while sitting on the couch with my legs tucked under me, rocking back and forth, wondering if they’d stay friends.)
5. Ass is shocked, surprised and worried when he finds out that The Haimster is in town and wants to meet.  It’s incredibly lucky that there happened to be a camera crew in the diner when he gets that news, and that they were already shooting a show that coincidentally is called “The Two Coreys” which was about Ass and The Haimster, because the footage they shot just fits.
6. They threaten each other with exposure of information that only the other has.  Ass says he can destroy The Haimster.  The Haimster tells him to bring it on.  He doesn’t.
7. Ass plays poker with one of the guys from Nelson, or Winger or one of those dopey bands, and another co-star from Lost Boys that I’ve never heard of.  None of them seem to like The Haimster, but they could be kissing Ass’s ass. so to speak.  In that room, Ass is a fucking legend.
8. The director combined the yellow filter used in the Mexico portion of the film “Traffic” with MTV-edgy camerawork and editing. The first show I’ve ever seen that feels like it was shot with cameras suspended in jars of piss held by a crew of Serbian epileptics.
9. I will watch any piece of crap on television.

Hey Feldman: This is not you.

If you can live with yourself, the first two shows run back to back (as they did on this past Sunday) this Sunday at 6PM on A&E.

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