Making whaling fun again.
When I was like 12, I probably had a Greenpeace shirt. I’m guessing it was powder blue, with a whale and rainbows or some other equally embarrassing shit on it (no unicorns – I’m quite sure I wasn’t a twelve year old girl). To my knowledge, no photos of me wearing such a shirt exist, sorry. Greenpeace has changed over the intervening 34 years, as have I. But one thing that hasn’t changed is I still like the funny. And I find Whale Wars on Animal Planet really, really funny.
I don’t want to make a big thing about whether or not whaling is something that should be done. Clearly there are people that think so, and people that don’t, and I’m sure that the vast majority of both don’t actually know any real facts. I hope you aren’t looking at me to provide them either, because I’m a little too lazy to do deep research on this.
I did go to the International Whaling Commission (IWC) web site to try and find out about the legalities, limits, and populations, and I did go to the Wikipedia page on whaling in Japan as well. But then I got bored. So let’s forget about the deep stuff and get to the good stuff. The good stuff being Whale Wars.
Part skull, part trident, part Little-Bo-Peep.
The show follows a group called Sea Shepherd as they head down Antarctic-way in their ship, the “Steve Irwin” (which makes me giggle like a schoolgirl for some reason), to try and stop the Japanese whaling fleet. Quick background: Japan is a member nation of the IWC, which imposed a complete moratorium on commercial whaling starting in 1986.
They, along with Norway and Iceland, have made no secret of the fact that they want commercial whaling resumed, and Norway has basically said “fuck you, we’re whaling” and does it anyway (they take 500-600 whales a year). Major partiers, those Norwegians. But Japan and Iceland are whaling under the exemption for scientific research, claiming they’re studying the feasibility of returning to commercial whaling in the future.
Japan’s research has included taking between 600 and 1000 minke whales a year (they plan to take somewhere around 900 minke whales this year; while I can’t find current population estimates for minke whales, in 1989 the estimates were between about 750,000 and 1,400,000 worldwide, making the “scientific sampling” approximately 1/10 of 1%) in boats with the word RESEARCH written on the side. You’d think that the MISSION ACCOMPLISHED sign they hung behind Bush would have taught the world that making a nice label doesn’t change any facts (if it did, I’d have TWELVE tattooed on my penis). They aren’t fooling anyone, and I wouldn’t either, believe me.
About equally plausible.
But enough of the dry, boring facts; no matter what you think of whaling, Whale Wars is hilarious. Basically, it’s about a group of activists that search for the Japanese whaling fleet through iceberg-laden waters in a boat with no ice rating, with a crew that is, for the most part, inept. Because the activists are the crew. And something about that just makes me laugh.
They’re led by Sea Shepherd founder Paul Watson (a co-founder of Greenpeace that was tossed off the board in 1975 by a vote of 11-1, with the one being his ), who claims to have had a life changing experience in the 70’s when a harpooned whale looked him in the eye, and:
“Paul recognized a flicker of understanding in the dying whale’s eye. He felt that the whale knew what they were trying to do….He vowed to become a lifelong defender of the whales and all creatures of the seas.”
I assume that includes stingrays, the animal that harpooned the guy his boat was named after.
Besides Dr. Doolittle (who I’ll get back to in a minute), the crew includes first mate Peter Brown, who never misses an opportunity to explain that they could all die doing this, but, you know, he’s o.k. with that. He even seems to kind of be rooting for it. Which explains why he’ll take the helm (and the lives of everyone aboard) into his own hands despite the fact that he doesn’t understand compass directions. Really.
In last week’s episode, he was attempting to navigate through a huge section of the ocean covered with closely packed icebergs that could puncture the hull, and as his communications officer read the radar and called out compass headings, he explained he didn’t understand all that, and could the guy just tell him 20 degrees port or 10 degrees starboard. Or in other words, “a little to the left” or “a little to the right”.
The Steve Irwin. Watching the crew work is like watching a hippie using a loom and threading his beard right into the poncho he's making, which is to say, hilarious.
And speaking of the communications officer, he’s actually a web designer. Because Captain Watson says he doesn’t want professional seamen (heheheh), he wants volunteers. So when the gyros that keep the boat stable went offline and the boat was pitching wildly, no one knew how to fix them. The web guy took the system apart and, with the comment “I think I see how they work”, put in a temporary fix. So he’s a smart guy, but still….he’s a fucking web designer.
The whole “volunteers only” policy of Watson’s is actually pretty savvy though, as it does, for the most part, succeed in keeping anyone off the boat that might actually realize that Watson is in way over his head and taking stupid risks with his disciples’ lives. In last week’s episode, he ordered his crew to launch an inflatable (a big Zodiac-type deal like the ones in the old Jacques Cousteau shows and something I’ve always wanted; they’re like the Jeeps of the seas) and try to chase down one of the Japanese harpoon ships.
The conditions were so bad they could have easily been killed (in fact they showed a clip from the prior year in which they promptly swamped the inflatable by dragging it sideways, then flipped it and dumped the crew into the ocean and almost under the Steve Irwin). After finally getting the boat launched, it promptly headed 180 degreees in the wrong direction, disappeared from sight due to the weather and waves, and failed to radio in. It’s like watching “The Three Stooges Go Boating.”
Later, Captain Fantastic kept the boat overnight in the shadow of a huge iceberg, a decision that prompted one of the few people on board that seems to know what they’re doing (a woman who served in the Navy for six years) to say something like: “I don’t think an experienced mariner would do this – they’d be looking for open water.” She was right of course, and by morning they were in deep shit, surrounded by pack ice. In a boat with a thin, non-ice-breaking hull.
As the episode ended, they were trying to escape the pack, and two crew members had been ordered to the lowest part of the hull and told that if it was breached by an iceberg (which would flood it with ice-cold water) they had to stay there. What they were supposed to stay there for wasn’t made clear, but the idiots actually followed orders, sitting in a tiny hold and watching as the ship’s hull flexed inward 5 or 6 inches with every blow from a chunk of ice. Finally the cameraman said “this is where my commitment ends”, left the camera on a pile of ropes and got the hell out of there. Like I said, hilarious.
Bottom line though: I really love Whale Wars. And I’ll readily admit that some shallow, hateful part of me just enjoys the shit out of seeing people so arrogant, so absolutely convinced they’re right all the time, bumble around like morons and fail to learn that really, really, really, really, really thinking you’re doing the right thing and that it will all work out because it should, damn it, doesn’t mean shit if you’re a clueless pud.
It can be frustrating (I just want to grab that first mate, slap him across the face and yell “you clueless pud!”), and some of the people on board remind me of why there was a sign just inside the front door of the campus house I lived in at college that said “All hippies go in the kitchen,” (which was a directive, not an observation), but as long as they keep failing to get their shit together, it’s fun as hell to watch.
The previews at the end of last week’s episode hip us to the fact that they do, in fact, escape the ice in spite of their best efforts to sink the ship, and they eventually get to throw stink bombs at the Japanese fleet (they had stink bomb throwing tryouts in one of the first two episodes, which was also funny as hell). They also appear to actually crash into one of the whaling boats later this season. So good times ahead with lots more laughs.
And here’s more good news: if you want in on the hilarity, they’re replaying last week’s episode tonight at 8PM on Animal Planet, and following it with a new episode at 9. If you’re half the cynical asshole that I am, you won’t want to miss it.
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hahahaha. Just turned it on, the voice over of narrator in hushed tones are hilarious.
“the Sea Shepard’s first venture, is (wait for it) a failure”
More dramatic pause, “what went wrong?”
Hippies At The Helm, Maybe!?!
Were any of these volunteers screened for needed skills? Did they even take a kayaking course from LL Bean (free) or pack some bandages before going on this crazy ass journey? doesn’t look like it. Sure, they can knit me a bracelet out of their own hair and tell me how eating organic is better for the environment. All the while forgetting I don’t want any hippie jewelery and conveniently ignoring the crime of trucking organic produce to market rather than forcing consumers to farms. Sure, they are volunteering, and I’m not. But trust, IF I answer President Obama’s “Summer of Service” call or “United We Stand initiative I will do it with eyes wider open.
Wow.
Sounds like great entertainment…I may have to tune in, but I’m sure my hubby will think it’s too much stupidity and change the channel
Do it anyway, it’s hilarious. They almost ran out of fuel last week.
I was actually going to ask you about the camera crew and why they’d agree to go on this psychotic suicide mission, but then you mentioned the (ONE) camera dude and how he jumped ship. Ya can’t pay me enough to film this garbage, that’s for sure.
Um, I had the wrong email addy with the last comment, BTW…in the off chance that you were wondering.
Could these guys be first cousins to the scruffy, pimply punks who follow the WTO (whatever that is) around and hide in doorways with their girlfriends while they get water hosed and tear gassed. I mean I know it’s the World Trade Organization and all but who really knows what they are for and what the body odor types are so violently opposed to. Are these slobs hyped up grad students? Are they pissed at Mexico?
I have a theory that it’s all about the erotic. They are queer for ripe googaa commando stuff that’s been chased and gassed and sprayed all night in his/her Summer of 2008 jeans for the last week. Tell me I’m wrong. Maybe I want some -maybe that’s my problem.
You could be onto something there; these folks look like trustafarians with a little more moxie. As for the erotic thing – I’d agree that the bad dreadlocked blond kids you see outside of Starbucks whinging about evil multinationals are probably getting off by boning angry girls that don’t shave while kidding themselves that they’re getting back at mommy and daddy. Until they go to their parents’ house in the Hamptons for the summer.
[...] Hilarious lefties fight the Japanese on Whale Wars [...]
I have watched this program and admit also that these people can`t do anything right. I have not seen them save a whale yet! Put some baseball out fielders on that ship that know how to throw. All honesty tho, this show makes me ill seeing those slanted eye shit heads killing those whales. I want to know why they can`t come up with better ways to get the stink bombs on the other ships, hell a sling shot would work better, and why don`t the helicopter just drop them down? In closing, it`s pretty clear they need a bigger and faster boat.
Huh. Personally, I find comments like calling the Japanese “slanty eyed” (which by the way should be hyphenated) a lot more offensive. See, it’s that kind of racist shit that ends up killing actual humans. You think they’re shitheads? Fine. Some might say they’re doing their job. I don’t know them personally, so I can’t say one way or the other. But save the racist vitriol for your Klan meetings.
Hell, how about a T-shirt shooter like the ones you see at sporting events to launch the stink bombs?!?!?!
Brad: I have to give my libertarian mother and communist father a lot of credit for giving me the wisdom to see clearly on so much of this stuff.
I observed it first-hand in Panama when in 2004 Martin Torrijos of the PRD (the Center-left progressive-libertarian party) beat Guillermo Endara of the VMPD (the far-right “Moral Guardian Of The Fatherland” party–not making the name up at all). There was a LONELY PLANET GUIDE to Panama published about a year-and-a-half after Torrijos was elected. He had run on a platform like what I described. He fully de-militarized the police, while adding to the force and increasing pay. He cut out all custodial sentencing for small-to-medium non-violent crime. Decriminalized all possession of small amounts of drugs for personal use. He ALSO initiated a canal expansion, cut taxes, added construction tax-holidays for developers and owners for meeting certain contemporary earthquake-proofing ideas, etc.,etc.
They put in a “Human Sexuality Law” which essentially codified into law the rights of adults to do whatever it was they wanted in the privacy of their own homes even though all of that stuff anyway was covered under the Privacy Of Contract and Privacy Of Dwelling Laws. He wanted to make a statement that his government was “pro-sex.” Part of it was economic, too, because competition for gay tourist cash is pretty intense in the Andean region (only Peru is backward on that stuff).
The gun-ownership rights laws were made more expansive, but the penalties for use of firearms in the commission of crimes were increased. Hunting and fishing licenses were made easier to come by, etc
You get the idea.
OK. In the LONELY PLANET GUIDE, there was this whole section condemning both Martin Torrijos and the PRD for being TOO PRO-BUSINESS AND NOT ECO-FRIENDLY.
Whenever I’m in the mood for a good laugh, I re-read that stupidity!
Cheers,
Brom
wow, you bunch of the “cool” people thinking the “Sea Shepherd” can’t do things right, blah, blah, blah. yes, I agree, they might have seemed a bit clumsy, a bit lacking of practice to be more precise, but you have to know this, what they are doing is for a good cause and to risk their lives doing what they believe is right is much respectful than being laughed at by you. My suggestion for you is to go ahead and light up a joint, and wasting your live away without being noticed, don’t bother make comments on the things you just don’t know.
May I suggest a book to you? The Elements of Style would really help with your sentence structure. As for your poorly made arguments and sadly impotent insults, well I can’t help you there at all, sorry.
kudos Brad you hit the nail on the head. Its fine if you want to do something for a good cause, but trying to get credit for it is a totally different thing. I must be as shallow as you because i have just bought the series online; just for the enjoyment of watching these media whores fail
Hmmm…there is a lot of controversy on whaling and the Japanese. Apperently the Japenese are whaling for “scientific purposes” and Paul and his crew on the sea shepard are trying to stop this. I do not believe the Japanese are actually doing this for, what they say as “scientific purposes.” Do you believe they are?
See photo above for my opinion on that question….
I think Bradford Schmidt is a genius, and his article is great. The morons on that…………well……..I don’t have to say it because Bradford said it all for me. Thanks Brad. I would like to add one thing: there are hundreds of things going on in this world that deserves more attention than those god damn whales. Take all the money and effort they have waisted in trying to save the whales and feed some of the people who are absolutely starving to death. Let’s keep a focus on trying to find a cure for the diseases that are killing HUMANS. I will close with this: regarding the whale wars…….I would love to be watching an episode and see the Japanese suddenly pull out fucking canons and blow the fucking Steve Irwin and all of its mates to smithereens and watch all the god damn hippy cy baby mutha fuckers sink to the bottom of the ocean.
Remember, god loves you.
OH MY GOD!! I’m watching Whale Wars now, and they are showing the episode where it’s the first time the Japanese has killed Whale directly in front of them……and it’s the funniest thing I have ever seen. The directors and editors of this show are great. As the camera shows the bloody whale being dragged up the slip entry of that boat, they cut to almost total silence while at the same time showing the hippies with big lumps in their throats and tears in their eyes. ARE THEY SERIOUS?? Sometimes I think this is a big hoax. Are these idiots really this upset with the whales being killed? I don’t know….maybe I’m just a heartless bastard, or maybe these fuck bags need to get a life and fight for a cause that matters. Stupid fucking idiots. This world needs to be rid of all the hippy pussies on it…..like these lugnut fuck sticks.
Praise Jesus
love the show and I strongly believe in what you do and hope you can stop japan and their evil ways I strongly think that killing animals is the worst and meanest thing you can do not deserve to be killed