Bone In The Fan

The most fun possible while looking like a penis.

I bought the game Rock Band for the Wii this past weekend. Unless you live in a rabbit hutch you probably have an inkling of what this game is, or at least what sort of game it is. The genre took off with Guitar Hero, which always looked pretty stupid to me, and in which you have a plastic guitar that you “play” along with pre-recorded music. Except you don’t actually play it, you just hit colored buttons that correspond to bars that appear on screen in time to the music.  Time it right and hit the right button, the music track sounds correct and the crowd cheers.  Hit the wrong button or hit it out of time and you throw clams and the crowd boos.  A simple concept that is to playing an actual guitar as making Pillsbury Slash and Burns is to baking chocolate chip cookies ( which are both great gift ideas for the heavy pot smoker in your life.) For that reason as well as my personal experience playing and recording music (and my tendency to be a elitist bitch,) Guitar Hero looked stupid; the idea of holding a guitar-shaped video game controller that had nothing to do with learning to play an instrument seemed as dopey as the US Air Guitar Championships.

Then I saw Rock Band at Walmart last Christmas.

Dig that Strat. In the Wii version, the drums are all white. White HOT.

Rock Band extended the silly guitar idea by adding a drum kit (well, four pads on a stand) and microphone, allowing three people to play and/or sing at once (actually four people can “play” if you get an extra guitar and someone is willing to play bass.) As soon as I saw it I had to try it. I grabbed the drumsticks, started the game, and totally sucked, completely embarrassing myself in front of a bunch of pre-teens (is it weird that I was uncomfortable because of how badly I played and not because I’m a 45 year old man that elbowed aside a pimple-faced twelve-year-old so that I could bang on a toy drum set along with David Bowie in the middle of Walmart?) I was also totally hooked.

So Christmas came and went.  We got a Wii for the kids, but I pretty much forgot about Rock Band (it wasn’t even out for the Wii anyway, so it was a non-issue.)  But then it was released a couple of weeks ago, and again it was out on display at Walmart, and again I found myself grabbing the sticks and refusing to relinquish them. Oh, I tried to resist.  I tried to pretend that I thought it was stupid.  But I found myself obsessing about how fucking fun it was. I mean, who doesn’t want to play along with David Bowie, or The Ramones, or The Clash? I found myself trying to justify buying it “for the kids.”

I mean hey, with the drum kit you need to have solid rhythm to advance through the game, and the guitar will build dexterity and individual finger control. Both very useful musical skills. And it’s never too early to begin working on your singing (especially in light of the fact that my daughter has taken to singing incessantly around the house about anything and everything, so some PITCH CONTROL would be help keep daddy from drowning himself.)

In the end though, I couldn’t bring myself to try and sell it to Joanna for any of those reasons (valid though they may be, so feel free to use them.)  I bought it because it’s ridiculously fun. Not only the drums, either.  The guitar turns out to be easily just as fun (even playing songs I normally can’t stand - cough, cough, Bon Jovi, cough, cough - is great when you are the rockin’ lead guitarist) and I even sang some ditties, sounding I am sure like a tone-deaf troll with throat cancer.

Look like a penis. Rock like a god.

Before I bought it, I did read some reviews.  Most said it rocked.  One said you look like a penis playing it.  All true. But if you’re going to be looking like a penis (which I apparently do sometimes) there are worse things to be doing than playing Rock Band.  Like, for example, holding a news conference in Unity, NH.

Plus, my kids’ rhythm is improving.  I swear.

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